Letting Go of Anger
Whenever someone asks me, “What is your favorite Tool?” my immediate response is, “Active Love.” Active Love was the first Tool I began using regularly over a decade ago. At that time, I was in a deep funk: bad job, bad relationship, even my haircut was bad. I found myself angry at the world. If someone cut me off on the freeway or my neighbor Bob decided to power-wash his driveway at 11:45 pm, I flew into a rage. My anger was uncontrollable. Days later, I would still be reliving the wrongs done to me. I imagined telling Bob to stick the power-washer where the sun doesn’t shine (or at least to use it earlier), but instead, I just stewed about it. The feeling of victimhood became my new normal. At times I thought, this is not like me. This is not how I was raised, nor did it feel good to hold onto this anger. I knew that, but I felt stuck on a merry-go-round I couldn’t get off. This went on for over a year.
When I discovered Barry and Phil’s book "The Tools" (a must-read if you haven’t), I learned that what I had been experiencing was called the MAZE. It’s an endless cycle of blame, resentment, and feeling trapped. The Maze is so hard to escape because it’s like a snake eating its tail; you can’t find the opening to get out. I learned that what I needed was “outflow.” Outflow is the opposite of that tightness in your chest that blocks you from real connection and speaking up for yourself. Outflow gives to the world and doesn’t require anything from the material world to work. Your energy levels improve and this allows for clear channels of communication. Life never stops moving and outflow gives you the opportunity to keep up.
To practice the Tool, first you imagine gathering the always-present universal love that surrounds you (if unconditional love is hard to fathom right now, you can imagine a beautiful sunset, holding your baby for the first time, or the way your cat nestles on your lap) and fill your heartspace with this energy. It helps me to visualize this like a liquid love swirling all around.You then imagine Bob (or any person or place that makes you angry) out in front of you and send this ball of love energy to them, to their heartspace. You feel it go into them, at that moment, you become one with them. You can see them in their humanness, with their faults and egos. It is a release for the person using the Tool—not necessarily to forgive the other person—but something magical happens in this process.
It was like casting a little Harry Potter spell. Instead of a wand, you have the commands of the Tool. Needless to say, my life started improving. I became bolder but less aggressive. I became clear about what I needed and started asking for it. My confidence improved, and that relationship? Well, it didn’t last, but that was a good thing. The Tool helped me see that I could transmute anger into insight and have a deeper experience of feeling happy.
